People Pleasing sucks.

I think the Lord used today to overload me with people I couldn't please and then when I did please them it didn't satisfy me so that I would be so sick of trying to earn affection by people pleasing. I'm tired of running around frantically wondering what people think of me on a certain whim. I'm tired of caring whether they will invite me or reject me. I'm just tired of it. I want to love because you love Jesus. I want to work for you. I want to give because of you. Not because of people's reactions. I want to know that I am beautiful. That I am wanted. That I have a necessary part. That You love me. GOD!! Scream in my ears again and shake me that you LOVE ME!!! I need to know that you have forgiven me and love me. I don't feel it. I feel sick and unwanted. Daddy, it feels so empty. I want to repent of my unforgiveness toward A and A. Daddy, Please help me to love them like you do. To stop loving them because I want their stupid approval. Jesus, Please help me with work tomorrow!! I can't do this on my own. I NEED YOU. Please help me. Please help me. Jesus I can't do this on my own. I don't have the strength. Help me with the photos. Help me with serving. Help me with my family. I feel so alone and I feel so sick. I need you and I just want to be babyed and loved. I feel so awful. God ease my head and my mind and all of my thoughts. I give them all up to you. I believe that you forgive me and that you love me.

HOLD ME TIL YOU ARE DONE.

HOLD ME TIL YOU ARE DONE.

HOLD ME TIL YOU ARE DONE.

"Hold onto the truth that I love you. Hold onto the fact that I will NEVER leave you. Hold onto my word that is always true. Hold onto the promise that I am the friend that sticks closer than a brother. Hold onto the fact that I know every thought in your head and why you think it and what to do about it. I am not confused or befuddled by your problems. They are not overwhelming to me. They are not "too much" for me to handle. I have handled worse, Kristina. Hold onto my promise that you are NOT in this alone. You will never be in this battle alone. I am so PROUD of you for not giving into self pity and just sitting in it. It is much harder to fight it. You looked outside of yourself and looked to others. You gave and gave til you had nothing left. My darling, my precious sweetheart, REST IN ME. I have many great things in store for you. Sometimes you have to come to the end of yourself to reach the beginning of recognizing my provision in your utter weakness. This gospel is not one for the strong. It is for those who realize that their dependance holds the key to the greatest power that is available. Hold onto me. My darling, I have never let go of you. You fight me, but I will still hold you. I will still hold you. I am still loving you. You are precious to me and I will shout and shout and shout until all the lies swirling around your being are silenced and only love remains. Rest in my Love. Hold onto my Truth. I will not give you more than you can handle. We are a team and My Team always wins. Be assured that you are well taken care of. Goodnight darling. I sing over you."

I love you Jesus. Thank you. You always know what to say when I need it. Goodnight my love. :)

Dream

So I was in this room with other people I think from community taking a test and I was frustrated because I thought I kept marking the wrong answers. So I ended up leaving the room and running to my car, all the while I had a thought in the back of my head that the answers might not have been actually wrong, they were just not the same that everyone else had. I saw Rosi out by my car and he was frustrated with the same thing and we bonded a little about that and then I got in my car and started driving and Zak and a van of community people was beside me while I was driving the same place as them and I saw 2 deer on the side of the road and I was like awwwwwww deer on the side of the road, so I slowed down and opened my window and was touched by their beauty and I was really excited but then I started going because I realized the other van was going to leave me behind but before I could get going a BABY FAWN jumped right into my car through my passenger side window!!! I was flabbergasted and amazed and excited and scared all at the same time that my car did a little loop and I took a different road than the van was taking. I was really upset because I wanted to be with the van and I didn't know where this other road was leading me. So we went down this road and I saw some dark foreboding corn fields but heck if I was going to let my little fawn treasure of a deer go out in that creepy place even though it looked safe from cars so then we kept going down the road and ended up going to this empty mall type place but there were no stores. I ended up losing the deer when I was getting back in the car and then met up with Zak again in the van somehow and he said that he and Tyler had a word from God for me and prophesied with exactness what I had eaten and bought ... and I knew they weren't there, so I knew it was from God ....and THEN they told me that I was upset about the test but I didn't have to be because God LOVED me and that it was all right. THEN I was transported and I was at my mom/dad's house and I was watching a movie about spiritual things I think and it was talking about shopping at one point I remember, it kinda looked like that shut up poster in the prayer room at the gladstone in the dream but it was describing different parts of personalities and how it was all fitting together and even though there were lots of parts, they all formed to make one word and somehow it was good and joining relationship with others. Then my mom stormed in the room in her angry scary mode and she said, "WHY do you always have to watch movies all the time?!?!??!" And I felt so much shame, condemnation and then I felt resolve to keep it on just to spite her. So she left the room and I felt like that at any time she was going to bust down the doors that I was standing against with my foot near the door to try to keep it closed. The doors on the room I was in don't keep locked and someone can easily open them. I was upset that I couldn't watch the rest of the movie but I felt shame that maybe I do watch too many movies and maybe I shouldn't see Narnia because my mom would disapprove. I was also upset because I thought my mom was better but she seemed to be reverting back to old patterns. Then my dream ended!!!

ideas

Hey Daddy,

So I wanted to express some ideas to you. I need you and I need your advice. Please help me. I want to come back to a romance with you but I'm not sure what that is going to look like. I have so many ideas going through my head and I feel like that I live most of my life trying to get away from "bad" feelings and get to "good" feelings whether the medium which I use is healthy it is irrelevant. I just want what is going to make me feel good and I want it quickly. So Lord, Please increase my desires to not only feeling good but going DEEP in you. GOING DEEP into intimacy. I want hunger. I want yearning. I want passion. I want to go to a worship session and feel like I just took a drink from a deep well. I want every revelation of your cross to strike new passion within me. I'm tired of the dry day to day mundane, I want to experience you. Lord, I know that you aren't boring, I just know that I have too many thoughts and stuff that I am chasing simultaneously that my focus is slightly off kilter. Lord Jesus, I know that a guy can teach me many things about you, I ask that all of my relationships would not be selfish but be loving and pushing towards you. I ask that you would make me selfless, giving and unassuming in my relationships. Remove my expectations and my dashed hopes. I ask that you would renew me once again with your affections for me so that I can experience your presence anew in a different and hopeful way. I ask that you would help me in my job at First Watch that I can truly love the people and the staff and the management and to serve you in everyway that I can with an awesome and amazing attitude. Draw me closer into you and FILL me with the abundance of your HOLY SPIRIT that I may overflow with hope. Thank you Daddy, Draw me into the intimacy of your heart, let me feel your emotions. Jesus stop Emily's physical pain, I ask that you would draw her close tonight and fill her mind with dreams from you and let your heart be one with hers.

Bless my dreams and fill my empty and wandering thoughts with you, Jesus!